What Is Your 90-Day Fiancé?
Have you ever sat down on a quiet evening,
perhaps with a warm drink in hand, the chaos of the day behind you, and clicked
“play” on a show like 90 Day Fiancé? I have. More times than I can
count, actually. And let me tell you, I don’t just watch that show—I observe
it. I watch with my heart, my mind, my experience, and yes, sometimes a twinge
of sadness too.
90 Day Fiancé is more
than entertainment to me. It’s a mirror. A fast-paced, edited-down glimpse into
something much bigger: our deep human desire to be chosen, to be loved, to be
safe. We all want to be the exception to the rule. We want to believe that
someone will fly across the world for us, risk their whole life just to start a
new chapter with us. That kind of love feels thrilling, almost holy. But
then... why doesn’t it last?
It’s not just the time limit. It’s not just
the visa. And it’s not just the cultural gaps or language barriers or meddling
in-laws. No, I believe it’s because the foundation was never properly built in
the first place.
Love on a Timer
The idea of falling in love in 90 days is
romantic, right? A whirlwind journey of connection, risk, and commitment. And
for some, that story ends in a lifetime of happiness. But for many—too many—it
ends with heartbreak, arguments, legal complications, and wounds that sometimes
don’t heal for years.
So what is the real issue?
Let me offer you this: it’s not about the 90
days. It’s about what those 90 days represent. A countdown. A pressure cooker.
A timeline too short to build something that was always meant to take longer.
The best relationships aren’t microwaved. They’re slow cooked. They’re rooted
in patience, humility, trust, and faith—not in deadlines.
The Hope We All Carry
I get it. I do. I’ve hoped like that too.
Hoped that the next person would be the person. Hoped that this time,
things would be different. That someone would finally see me for who I am and
love me through it. That the loneliness would melt away the moment their plane
landed. That finally, my life would feel full.
But sometimes, the person who walks off that
plane isn’t sent by God. Sometimes, they’re just someone passing through your
story—and it hurts deeply when we realize that.
The hard truth is, many of these couples on
the show fall in love with the idea of love more than they fall in love
with the person in front of them. And when reality sets in—when money runs low,
when the language barriers become arguments, when families clash or dreams
don’t match—they fall apart. Because the fantasy couldn’t hold up under the
weight of real life.
Love Without Foundation Crumbles
This isn’t just a TV show observation. This is
a life principle. Without a foundation, anything can look good for a season,
but it won’t stand the test of time.
Think about what Jesus taught in Matthew
7:24-27. He talked about the wise man who built his house on the rock. The
rains came, the winds blew, but that house stood firm. Why? Because of the foundation.
But the foolish man built his house on sand. And when the storm came, that
house fell with a great crash.
I see a lot of relationships—on TV, in my
life, in my community—that are built on sand. On chemistry. On loneliness. On
attraction. On convenience. And when the storms of life come—and they will
come—that relationship crashes down.
What if instead of rushing to find “the one,”
we took the time to build our own foundation first?
The Pain That Follows
What’s worse than being alone? Being worse
off than when you were alone.
When these relationships end, there’s
emotional pain—yes. But also legal stress, financial loss, betrayal, and shame.
You risked it all for love, and it didn’t pan out. And now you feel like a
fool. But let me stop you right there: you’re not a fool.
You’re just human. A human with a heart that
longs for connection. A human that wanted to be loved.
Don’t let one broken relationship—or even
ten—harden your heart to the possibility that God has someone beautiful
prepared for you. Just make sure you’re building your heart’s house on the rock
this time. Not on fantasy. Not on lust. Not on desperation. On the rock.
So What Do We Do Now?
We do the work that nobody sees.
We heal.
We pray.
We build a life so full and grounded in God
that anyone who comes in is simply joining what is already good.
And when you’re strong in your faith, rooted
in your purpose, and sure of who you are in Christ—you won’t be looking for
someone to complete you. You’ll be looking for someone to partner with
you. Someone to build with. Someone who doesn’t just spark your heart—but strengthens
your spirit.
The Person God Wrote for You
Let me ask you a question I’ve had to ask
myself lately—do you believe God has already written someone into your story?
Now, I know that can stir up all kinds of
feelings. If you're single, it might feel like hope. If you're divorced, maybe
it feels like regret. And if you're in a relationship that’s testing your
limits, maybe it feels like confusion. But the deeper truth here is this: God does
write people into our story. He’s the Author of life, after all. But we still
have to turn the pages with discernment, with patience, and with faith.
I don’t think we “miss” the person God has for
us by accident. I believe we miss them when we ignore His voice. When we try to
speed up the timeline. When we choose someone based on feelings instead of
foundations. When we lean on emotion instead of wisdom. That’s when we start
handing out permanent places in our hearts to people who were only meant to be
in a single chapter.
And friend, it’s not that God is punishing
us—it’s that He wants us to stop settling for less than His best.
The Pressure to Succeed
Now back to the 90-day thing for a moment. Can
you imagine the pressure of trying to prove your entire worth, value,
compatibility, and future potential—all in three months?
Think about it: these couples are under the
spotlight. Some of them are leaving everything behind: their family, their
culture, their jobs, their language, and sometimes even their dignity. And for
what? For a relationship that they hope is real. For a dream that maybe love
can finally conquer all. But pressure like that crushes people. It doesn’t
build them up. And when you add social media to the mix? Forget it.
Suddenly, the relationship isn’t even about
the two people anymore. It’s about likes, opinions, comments, and brand deals.
It’s about followers who pick sides when things get rough. It's not two hearts
becoming one—it’s two hearts performing on a stage.
That’s not marriage. That’s performance art.
And that kind of love doesn’t last.
Let’s Talk About Social Media
Social media is one of the biggest culprits
here. It convinces us that love should look perfect, glossy, and presentable.
We scroll and see proposals in Paris, wedding videos edited like movie
trailers, and couples laughing over lattes on cobblestone streets. What we don’t
see is the disagreement that happened before the camera turned on. Or the
financial stress. Or the long talks that didn’t end in understanding. Or the
tears shed in private while the world still “likes” your last post.
We start to believe that if our love doesn’t look
like that, it must be wrong.
But real love? It’s not always Instagrammable.
Sometimes, it looks like someone folding your laundry. Sometimes it’s a quiet
prayer when you’re sick. Sometimes it’s forgiving each other after a hard
conversation. And yes, sometimes it's sitting side by side in silence, both
choosing not to walk away.
You won’t find that kind of love trending. But
you will find it in people who’ve chosen to build their lives on something
deeper than validation from strangers.
Let’s Go Deeper: Emotional Roots
Another thing I see in these failed 90-day
relationships—and maybe in some of our own—is that the emotional roots don’t go
deep enough.
It’s easy to fall in love with someone’s
accent, their laugh, their sense of adventure. But what happens when the real
stuff hits? When someone loses their job. When your savings dry up. When one
person wants kids and the other doesn’t. When religion, family, and lifestyle
differences become loud?
Without deep emotional roots—mutual respect,
aligned values, shared vision, and a strong spiritual center—those
relationships get pulled up like weeds in a windstorm. It doesn’t matter how
pretty the flower looks if it’s never been rooted in good soil.
Love has to be planted deep. It has to
be watered with time, truth, transparency, and trust. If it isn’t—no matter how
beautiful it starts—it won’t survive.
God’s Version of Love
Let’s come back to the foundation.
If we want to build a love that lasts, we have
to go back to the source of love itself. God. Not culture. Not movies. Not our
own desires.
In 1 Corinthians 13, we’re reminded what real
love is: patient, kind, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record
of wrongs. Love that rejoices with the truth. Love that protects, trusts,
hopes, and perseveres.
Do you know what that kind of love requires?
Work. Grace. Forgiveness. Humility. Surrender.
And yes, it requires faith. Not just in the
other person—but in God.
That’s why I say: don’t just look for
chemistry. Look for someone you can go to war with—in prayer, in hardship, in
ministry, in family. Look for someone who’s willing to do the foundation work
with you.
If You're Still Waiting…
If you’re reading this and you’re still
single—can I just say something that might be hard to hear but is full of
truth?
You are not behind. You are not broken. And
you are not forgotten.
Don’t believe the lie that says your
singleness is a sign of failure or punishment. Sometimes it’s a sign of protection.
Sometimes it’s preparation. Sometimes, it’s so God can grow you into the person
your future spouse needs. Not just the person they want.
While you wait, build your foundation. Heal
from past relationships. Learn your worth in Christ. Learn how to communicate.
Learn how to listen. Learn how to serve. Learn how to love without losing
yourself.
Because when God writes someone into your
story, you’ll want to be ready—not desperate.
And If You’re Already Married…
If you’re married and reading this thinking,
“We didn’t build a strong foundation,” let me encourage you. It’s not too
late. God is a master builder—even in homes with cracks.
Start where you are. Pray together. Have the
hard conversations. Set new boundaries. Go to counseling. Relearn each other.
Say “I’m sorry.” Say “I forgive you.” Say “I still choose you.”
And most importantly—invite God into your
marriage. Not just for the Sunday mornings, but for the Tuesday night
arguments. For the budget meetings. For the bedtime prayers. For the parenting
decisions. For the seasons where love feels more like work than romance.
With Him, nothing is impossible.
Closing the Chapter—But Not the Book
So here’s what I leave you with:
What is your 90-day fiancé?
Is it a rushed relationship? A job you jumped
into too fast? A decision made out of pressure instead of prayer?
We all have a “90-day” story—something we
wanted so badly that we skipped the slow build and jumped into. And maybe it
worked. But maybe it left you more broken than before.
But that doesn’t mean you’re finished. It
means you’re being formed. And there’s grace for that.
There’s a better story being written. And it’s
not a reality show. It’s reality—when you give the pen back to God.
Keep the faith. Stay rooted. Build well.
Because when the right one comes—and I believe they will—you won’t need 90
days. You’ll just need trust, time, and a solid foundation.
And that, my friend, will stand the test of
time.
