The Third Book the 23rd Chapter - Jesus is Pain

 

Jesus is Pain

September 6, 2020

I named this chapter “Jesus is Pain” as it garners attention. Whether you believe in Christ or not, it provokes an emotional response.

It is important to focus on the non-believers of the love and grace of God that flows through Jesus and into us. At some point in our lives, we may not have understood the concept of being born-again. Becoming aware of the concept may have been when the hard work began. Once you see, you cannot forget. Once you are aware of how to live your truth, which is in the alignment of God’s, no matter how hard you try to push away from that sight of the vision, it never ceases. The more you try to move away from making self-serving choices, the more challenging the love of God makes itself known to you. The faster you run, the brighter the vision becomes of knowing your truth.

I am a new born again person that struggled for many years. I didn’t allow the love of Jesus to fill my life. I am hopeful you will begin to understand why you are not allowing that gift into your life. I had been told all I had sought was “just through that door”. I struggled for many years before walking through the door and deciding to do it was most likely the hardest thing I had ever done. I often wonder why I was resistant. Even when I did walk through, I still didn’t understand why I was feeling so much pain. It was after some prayer, thought, and guidance from the Spirit and mentors that I realized why it took so long and why it hurt so much. Once I chose to walk through that door of a relationship with Christ, I was filled with peace and understanding of self that was not present before.

As individuals, we are often broken and do not have a relationship with Christ. All of us have either experienced trauma or have made horrible mistakes in our past that riddles us with shame and guilt. While we don’t have a relationship with Christ, we may turn to alternative forms of treatment that may include alcohol, illegal drugs, or prescription medication. Over time, using any combination of these medications, we may experience an intense feeling of inadequacy fade away. We may begin to think that we are okay and that we are coping well. Eventually, gentle nudges or spiritual sledgehammers provide moments of clarity. Feelings of discomfort and past pains return. A realization that we are not fully healed from our past and how we dealt with our pain only treated the symptoms of our self imposed burden of remorse and guilt. We may doubt why we have been encouraged to have a relationship with Christ, but are still experiencing pain. Why does that happen? Traditionally we are taught there is nothing but love and peace through that relationship.

In the quiet moments, no matter how hard we try to ignore and deny what we are feeling, the truth becomes clear that we have to deal with all of our pain before we walk through “that door”. We have to acknowledge and deal with all the pain that is in our life. It doesn’t mean it needs to be repaired; it just means it needs to be addressed. By walking through “that door”, you will finally be provided specific tools to heal finally and live your truth with clarity and confidence.

As my worldly accomplishments were being stripped away and I hit my rock bottom, a miracle happened. It became easier to give in and walk through “the door” vs. being afraid of facing my pain and demons. I denied Him for so many years as I didn’t want to experience my pain. I didn’t want to stop running. After a failed intimate relationship, I tried to cope with a combination of therapy to gain an understanding about the other person’s actions and alcohol. Every time I experienced loneliness, it became too strong for me to control. I allowed alcohol to kill my feelings of despair. I didn’t want to feel the sense of loss. I didn’t want to feel the pain of failure. I didn’t want to be alone. I fooled myself into believing that I was okay and that I was healed, all with my own power, and I didn’t need the healing power of Christ.

I lied enough to myself that I believed it, but with an unnecessary cost. I didn’t want to deal with the pain.  I could continue to bury it. I didn’t have the strength to mourn the loss. I was only self-medicating. With the excess consumption of alcohol, I experienced increased blood pressure, weight gain, and gout flare-ups. One of many examples, I continued to be disillusioned and denied Christ. 

As gentle nudges began hitting me over the head daily, I realized I had to deal with my past. I had to remember and identify all the trauma in my life in order to heal. Before walking through “the door”, not knowing why it was so difficult or uncomfortable, I knew is the pain to not walk through was more significant. Faith, experience, and the love of Christ were a gift given to me later. Now, with these tools, I am able to have the strength to heal and repair.

Some moments are still challenging for me. However, I have realized that the nature of sin or to repeat my past mistakes come from a place of negative energy and not from God. I have also realized, upon reflection and learning, that God always provides us with an “out” before we commit our sin. The most important thing I now consider is that “out”. Considering it, I am now able to remove myself from past patterns and stay in alignment with my relationship with Jesus. Through prayer and meditation, I lower my anxiety levels, which allows me to identify areas of my life that I do not want to address. The root cause is always something so deep and painful that I don’t want to deal with it. The more I avoid and choose strength to overcome the avoidance, the more anxiety I feel. As I have repeated this uncomfortable task many times in my life since I have walked through “the door”, I now know how to deal with the root cause before the anxiety paralyzes my judgment to make sound decisions.

In moments when I do not know the root cause, I reply on prayer for visibility. I have also increased my understanding of sin. I will use the example of pre-marital sex and how we are taught our choices we may act upon; it is not in our best interests and it is self-serving.

The first concept is usually easy to identify. We know the thought of being intimate with another person is not in alignment with growth out of wedlock. It is easy to have the gentle nudge that we shouldn’t be considering it, by telling ourselves lies. The hard begins. When we are getting close to the act, it is more difficult to stop. It is so easy identify the sin, but hard to stop before committing it.

If you are one that receives visions of the future, this was an area that was difficult for me to identify as a sin. It was hard to identify, but once the vision was provided, it was easy to stop the behaviour. It tied into the hidden dark areas of my past. Creating anxiety within me, I knew I was out of alignment, but fear continued to build. My spiritual mentor Mark was able to teach me how to use the power of prayer to provide visibility to my root cause. Once I had sight, I was immediately able to stop the sin and face the pain. Previously, I hadn’t been able to address without the use of avoidance and alcohol. Even then, I had never dealt with my issues. With the help of lies I told myself, I had been able to temporarily mask the hurt. The cycle became exhausting for me. I couldn’t do it alone any longer without the help of a higher power. With this visibility, I was able to feel and process the pain of loneliness and submit to the Will of God knowing, in time, healing would prevail. The healing I needed, never had the strength to tackle, but tucked in my consciousness knowing it existed. It was like the proverbial bogeyman that was always lurking and always telling me I didn’t have the strength to walk through “the door” to having a relationship with Christ.

Currently, if you are a non-believer and don’t yet want to walk through “the door” of being born again, I urge you to take the most challenging first step. Once you do, you will find a sense of relief. When you allow faith to take you higher than you have ever been, you will be given tools to help ensure you don’t return to your past. Encircle yourself with mentors and people that love you and are of like-minded spirits sharing the burden of your past. We were meant to share and grow together, and with numbers, we can all overcome our pasts. You can overcome the impossible. You can overcome the feelings of inadequacy. You can achieve all you believe walking through “the door” and being greeted with the warmth of love that will last forever.