Demon of Change
July 4, 2020
Once you
identify your “whys”, you can begin implementing change towards a healthier and
more positive mindset. Have you determined what triggered past choices that
didn't serve your growth and development? Evaluating your triggers is just as
important as your growth. It is important you understand the trauma that you
went through before your rebirth. Usually, this trauma triggers you to make
thoughtless choices. You may find after a contrary decision has been made,
you're filled with regret, confusion, and a general feeling of “that wasn't me”,
but yet it had happened. As this negative cycle becomes part of your past,
sometimes a reminder from someone else may provide that little nudge so you can
also turn your life around.
Do you have
a story that should be told so that others can learn and grow from your
experience? However, feel that sharing
your story is hard and that hiding from shame is easier. This is my story, as I have
shared and grown, I have helped others through my writing. It is a story I
didn't want to share, but as I thought about it, felt the need to share.
Have you
ever heard about the local mechanic that makes sure that everyone else's car is
running correctly, but his isn’t? Something as subtle as making sure everyone ‘s
car is functioning correctly while neglecting their own is paramount. As I was
writing words on paper, they came from a place of kindness, love and support. Through
those words though, I was hiding a secret.
My secret was that I had spent many years as a highly functioning
alcoholic.
I genuinely
put in the effort to help others, but for years forgot to help and myself. My
car was broken, and as I tried to function, I fooled myself into believing I
didn't have a problem. I would put my all into everything I did, including
drinking alcohol. I thought it was controlled, and it was hidden, but it
controlled me. I had a successful career, a loving family and what appeared to
be a seemingly perfect life. On Father's Day, I realized for the first time in
years as I cooked for my family the value of not drinking. I felt a sense of connection
with my family and the clarity of the day I hadn’t previously experienced.
Fast-forward to June 24 after an extensive amount of realization, I made a
decision to not drink alcohol again.
My daughter
had mentioned a few times she was concerned about my drinking. However, I
rationalized that I didn't drink and drive, I always got my work done, and my
family was healthy, so I didn't have a problem. As I thought about it more, I
began to realize that the many impulsive choices and actions that I made while
I was drinking never served to provide value to others or myself around me. The
drinking pushed people away, causing me more pain resulting in drinking even
more. All the while on the surface, I pretended I was in control and didn't
have a problem. Even though I knew I was making positive changes in my life and
becoming a better person, the alcohol was slowing down this process and kept my
mind in a fog.
After
Father's Day, I was once again alone with a clear head. I realized for me to
actualize the value of the changes and begin to build upon them, I had to make
one more change. With clarity, I knew my next step on my continued growth and
my continued relationship with Christ; I had to stop abusing alcohol.
On June 24,
I did. I have since felt I couldn't share in writing until this morning. I was
speaking with my mentor and shared that I thought “my car was broken” and I
needed to repair it before I started to share again. He asked me why I wouldn’t
share my story. In a moment, my mind changed
and realized I had to share this painful experience that I hid for so long.
As each day passes,
sometimes it is challenging to honour my commitment, but when times are
challenging, I remember the benefits I have already received in the short time
since this positive choice. Something as simple as being able to walk soberly
to board an airplane, not pretending to be sober. Something as simple as
enjoying a lunch conversation at a level of connection that it wasn’t possible under
the fog of alcohol. Something as simple as being in the moment and realizing
the positive changes I have made is more valuable recognizing them “when”, not
“after” they happen.
Whatever you
strive for in your life, your desired outcome is set into motion with the
decisions you make in every second. If these millions of timely decisions are
not in alignment with your desired outcome and your passion for your life,
you'll never arrive at your destination of success. You might want to blame
others for your lack of progress or talk yourself into denial like I had, but for
valuable change to occur in your life, you need to ask yourself honest
questions. If you haven't completed flushing out your demons, your choices will
then make it nearly impossible to enjoy life fully and live in the moment. We
were given a life of free will and a life that is up to us to live with
abundance, love, and kindness. All we have to do is make each decision count to
where our happiness lies.
Trust me,
one of the most challenging decisions you will make is to conquer your demons
and make the decision they will no longer control your life. Once that happens,
the changes you have made will magnify and you will gain strength. You will also
feel uncomfortable. Embrace this feeling because once you feel it, you
will know you are changing and growing. If you haven't already experienced it, you
will feel a better sense of satisfaction in your life. It is so worth the hard
work and dedication you are putting in to repair yourself.
I am so
grateful that my kids and family didn't give up on me. I have realized they
believed in me the entire time. So if you feel stuck and you haven’t reached the
uncomfortable feeling of growth, pause for a moment and listen. Listen to the
words of someone that cares about you as they're speaking your truth. Embrace
that gift, build your momentum, and never look back.
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