Oct 1/16
Normally I hope I can provide a specific point in each of these chapters that will provide clarity and understanding that can be used in some form by others in their life. However today I feel the need to share some personal experiences and a moment of reflection. So this will be more about feelings and not about some possible solutions.
I find my thoughts drifting to my past relationships and then to my current emotional state of being alone on a weekend. The weather is cold with light rain and I am sitting at a local coffee shop, having my favorite drink - a medium white hot chocolate with whip cream. My thoughts turn to my kids who are rapidly becoming more independent with each passing moment. I am finding this allows me to have more spare time. Which is something I was looking forward to this when my kids were younger, now though I feel strangely guilty of the passing of time and wishing for my increased free time. I am struck now with the importance of being in the moment and valuing each second - I have heard that thought before from other older folks - but now it seems to be so real to me and I can relate to the importance of the moment at a higher level than before.
Interesting reflection as now I have the time to devote to a relationship I do not have one - I feel when I did I was not able to balance kids (as I am a single father) work and a romantic relationship. In truth I found I was so emotionally wore out and low on energy that I could provide for others - I was unable to make anyone happy.
Then my thoughts go to faded romantic relationships and why I would pick the wrong person for me and all the wasted time and pain that I have caused my kids, ex-partners and myself. My hope is that at the moment my kids and my ex-partners are free of any emotional un-comfort and mostly now any thoughts of the past would only be fleeting memories of moments past.
As time moves on the comfort from knowing that our past moments of our life are truly meant to be and they have built to who we are right now. Knowing the comfort of I did try my best at the time and take the experiences and make them into learning objectives of the quest for me to becoming a better human being. Enjoying spending time with myself and feeling myself grow and become stronger. I have notice my smile has returned and my shoulders and pulled back. Quiet confidence is within in me and enjoying each person that I interact with.
I would have normally been on a quest to find someone to fill the past void in me, now I am feeling the opposite and I am not willing to settle and be un-happy any longer. The constant ignoring of my gut feeling - I shall never do again. The reference of a death by a thousand cuts comes to mind. Ignoring the feeling that something is off and not sure what it is - I shall never do that again either.
My thoughts now drift to the moment and I also spend a little time thinking about the future.....Perhaps now is the time to travel and doing some wondering?? To see what positive experiences that are waiting and to explore. The movie of Hector and the search of happiness comes to mind.
As I started this chapter as pen went to paper, I felt some sadness and as I finish I feel thoughts of hope, excitement and happiness.
Thank you.
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