Jesus is Pain
September 6,
2020
I named this
chapter “Jesus is Pain” as it garners attention. Whether you believe in Christ
or not, it provokes an emotional response.
It is
important to focus on the non-believers of the love and grace of God that flows
through Jesus and into us. At some point in our lives, we may not have
understood the concept of being born-again. Becoming aware of the concept may
have been when the hard work began. Once you see, you cannot forget. Once you
are aware of how to live your truth, which is in the alignment of God’s, no
matter how hard you try to push away from that sight of the vision, it never
ceases. The more you try to move away from making self-serving choices, the more
challenging the love of God makes itself known to you. The faster you run, the
brighter the vision becomes of knowing your truth.
I am a new
born again person that struggled for many years. I didn’t allow the love of
Jesus to fill my life. I am hopeful you will begin to understand why you are
not allowing that gift into your life. I had been told all I had sought was
“just through that door”. I struggled for many years before walking through the
door and deciding to do it was most likely the hardest thing I had ever done. I
often wonder why I was resistant. Even when I did walk through, I still didn’t
understand why I was feeling so much pain. It was after some prayer, thought,
and guidance from the Spirit and mentors that I realized why it took so long
and why it hurt so much. Once I chose to walk through that door of a
relationship with Christ, I was filled with peace and understanding of self
that was not present before.
As
individuals, we are often broken and do not have a relationship with Christ. All
of us have either experienced trauma or have made horrible mistakes in our past
that riddles us with shame and guilt. While we don’t have a relationship with
Christ, we may turn to alternative forms of treatment that may include alcohol,
illegal drugs, or prescription medication. Over time, using any combination of these
medications, we may experience an intense feeling of inadequacy fade away. We
may begin to think that we are okay and that we are coping well. Eventually,
gentle nudges or spiritual sledgehammers provide moments of clarity. Feelings
of discomfort and past pains return. A realization that we are not fully healed
from our past and how we dealt with our pain only treated the symptoms of our
self imposed burden of remorse and guilt. We may doubt why we have been
encouraged to have a relationship with Christ, but are still experiencing pain.
Why does that happen? Traditionally we are taught there is nothing but love and
peace through that relationship.
In the quiet
moments, no matter how hard we try to ignore and deny what we are feeling, the
truth becomes clear that we have to deal with all of our pain before we walk
through “that door”. We have to acknowledge and deal with all the pain that is
in our life. It doesn’t mean it needs to be repaired; it just means it needs to
be addressed. By walking through “that door”, you will finally be provided
specific tools to heal finally and live your truth with clarity and confidence.
As my
worldly accomplishments were being stripped away and I hit my rock bottom, a
miracle happened. It became easier to give in and walk through “the door” vs.
being afraid of facing my pain and demons. I denied Him for so many years as I
didn’t want to experience my pain. I didn’t want to stop running. After a
failed intimate relationship, I tried to cope with a combination of therapy to
gain an understanding about the other person’s actions and alcohol. Every time
I experienced loneliness, it became too strong for me to control. I allowed
alcohol to kill my feelings of despair. I didn’t want to feel the sense of
loss. I didn’t want to feel the pain of failure. I didn’t want to be alone. I
fooled myself into believing that I was okay and that I was healed, all with my
own power, and I didn’t need the healing power of Christ.
I lied
enough to myself that I believed it, but with an unnecessary cost. I didn’t
want to deal with the pain. I could
continue to bury it. I didn’t have the strength to mourn the loss. I was only
self-medicating. With the excess consumption of alcohol, I experienced
increased blood pressure, weight gain, and gout flare-ups. One of many
examples, I continued to be disillusioned and denied Christ.
As gentle
nudges began hitting me over the head daily, I realized I had to deal with my
past. I had to remember and identify all the trauma in my life in order to
heal. Before walking through “the door”, not knowing why it was so difficult or
uncomfortable, I knew is the pain to not walk through was more significant.
Faith, experience, and the love of Christ were a gift given to me later. Now,
with these tools, I am able to have the strength to heal and repair.
Some moments
are still challenging for me. However, I have realized that the nature of sin
or to repeat my past mistakes come from a place of negative energy and not from
God. I have also realized, upon reflection and learning, that God always
provides us with an “out” before we commit our sin. The most important thing I
now consider is that “out”. Considering it, I am now able to remove myself from
past patterns and stay in alignment with my relationship with Jesus. Through
prayer and meditation, I lower my anxiety levels, which allows me to identify areas
of my life that I do not want to address. The root cause is always something so
deep and painful that I don’t want to deal with it. The more I avoid and choose
strength to overcome the avoidance, the more anxiety I feel. As I have repeated
this uncomfortable task many times in my life since I have walked through “the
door”, I now know how to deal with the root cause before the anxiety paralyzes
my judgment to make sound decisions.
In moments
when I do not know the root cause, I reply on prayer for visibility. I have
also increased my understanding of sin. I will use the example of pre-marital
sex and how we are taught our choices we may act upon; it is not in our best
interests and it is self-serving.
The first
concept is usually easy to identify. We know the thought of being intimate with
another person is not in alignment with growth out of wedlock. It is easy to
have the gentle nudge that we shouldn’t be considering it, by telling ourselves
lies. The hard begins. When we are getting close to the act, it is more
difficult to stop. It is so easy identify the sin, but hard to stop before
committing it.
If you are
one that receives visions of the future, this was an area that was difficult for
me to identify as a sin. It was hard to identify, but once the vision was
provided, it was easy to stop the behaviour. It tied into the hidden dark areas
of my past. Creating anxiety within me, I knew I was out of alignment, but fear
continued to build. My spiritual mentor Mark was able to teach me how to use
the power of prayer to provide visibility to my root cause. Once I had sight, I
was immediately able to stop the sin and face the pain. Previously, I hadn’t
been able to address without the use of avoidance and alcohol. Even then, I had
never dealt with my issues. With the help of lies I told myself, I had been
able to temporarily mask the hurt. The cycle became exhausting for me. I
couldn’t do it alone any longer without the help of a higher power. With this
visibility, I was able to feel and process the pain of loneliness and submit to
the Will of God knowing, in time, healing would prevail. The healing I needed, never
had the strength to tackle, but tucked in my consciousness knowing it existed.
It was like the proverbial bogeyman that was always lurking and always telling
me I didn’t have the strength to walk through “the door” to having a
relationship with Christ.
Currently,
if you are a non-believer and don’t yet want to walk through “the door” of
being born again, I urge you to take the most challenging first step. Once you
do, you will find a sense of relief. When you allow faith to take you higher
than you have ever been, you will be given tools to help ensure you don’t
return to your past. Encircle yourself with mentors and people that love you
and are of like-minded spirits sharing the burden of your past. We were meant
to share and grow together, and with numbers, we can all overcome our pasts.
You can overcome the impossible. You can overcome the feelings of inadequacy. You
can achieve all you believe walking through “the door” and being greeted with
the warmth of love that will last forever.
