The Second Book The 83rd Chapter - A Moment of Sharing

Dec 2/17

In this chapter I am going to branch out a little further than my usual on a very personal experience.  One of my great friends, Patricia, has encouraged me to share this painful story. 

I first met Patricia about six years ago when she started working closely with me in my previous role.  During that time we worked hard together and shared success and some set backs as well.  As we got to know each other we shared a little of our family background and relationships. 

As time progressed it became clear she had a healthy relationship with her long time partner Cory.  I even spent sometime with Cory and realized he is another person that has a kind and thoughtful soul.  I was grateful to get to know him and his life's observations he shared with me are very insightful.

During this time period until roughly a year and a half ago, I was also in a relationship.  This is where this story is going to get tough to share with you.  However my goal is to continue my journey to become more healthy and help at least one other person see the abuse they might be under.

When I met up with Patrica a few weeks ago, her comment was wow - have you ever grown and changed.  She expressed of how happy she was for me that I have been on my own for the last year and a half.  A question for you, the reader, - In your current relationship is there anyone worried about your well being or perhaps some suggestions to change your current path?  If so, then this chapter is for you and is intended to help you provide a focus on what you need for you and what is currently impacting your life.

To this day I still care for the person that was in my life and I do miss her still.  So lets wind the clock back to the start - In the beginning of my relationship with her, it was incredible and amazing.  One filled with kindness, understanding and a general sense of I finally found my best friend.  Someone that I can share all of life's ups and downs and generally enjoy her company everyday. 

After about a year things started to slowly shift away from the honeymoon period.  The best way I can describe it was a transfer of anger and resentment of her past failed relationships onto ours.  This anger slowly lead into friction in our relationship and I felt I needed to work harder to prove my commitment to her.  Which I did, some of the things I did was to eliminate some of my friends in my life to try to maintain trust and show her she is the most important person to me.

Yet it seemed the harder I tried to meet the needs of the relationship the higher the barriers that were raised.  Once I started to distant my friends, I noticed now as I look back, that with one word I spoke to her could cause a dramatic issue followed by a confrontation.  If your an emphatic person you will know how uneasy the feeling is when one word will bring down negative energy to you from another person.  You will also know when this starts to happen of how much you will want to avoid this kind of confrontation. 

My natural personality is one of child like curiosity and I slowly realized I stopped exploring and growing myself to try to stabilize the relationship.  At roughly the two year period, people started to notice I became withdrawn.  My natural child like curiosity was slowly replaced with fear.  Fearful of doing or saying something that would invoke a strong verbal confrontation.  As I am emphatic as well  and to be able to feel such strong emotions projected onto me became draining.

I know I wasn't perfect nor am I even close to that now yet a constant discharge of negative energy started to change my foundation of who I was.  I realize now, at the time I should have stated my boundaries, but I didn't because I was afraid to lose my best friend.  During that time there was moments were I was the happiest I have ever been followed randomly and quickly to the most unsettling times.  I know I should have been stronger but I wasn't able to at the time.  My loyalty, thoughtfulness, compassion remained focused on the relationship the entire time.

Yet as time wore on, my physical health was becoming impacted due to the instability of the relationship.  Also the more I isolated myself from my family and friends.  I am so grateful that most of my family and friends have remained as I emerged out of my darkness.  The darkness I allowed myself to go down was as dark as you could image.  My self-esteem and self-confidence was lowered so low I didn't feel I had any value to anyone anymore.  I remember moments of conversation were it was suggested by her I was too sensitive.  In fact there were moments that I actually wanted to slip from my mortal coil, as the black cloud of depression invaded my whole being. 

It was like the classic example of the struggle of two different energy sources that could no longer be aligned in tandem.  I have now realized I became dependent on her in my life and I tried to maintain that dependency at all costs.  Due to my poor choices the emotional scars have implanted themselves very deep.  The pain that we both caused each other will remain in me for the rest of my life. 

If you can relate to my experience, I encourage you to do a rest.  Take time out for you and listen to some of the folks closest to you.  With the combination of time that was spent and being an empath there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel that pain.  I also know if we would have remained together that emotional pain would be worse than it currently is.  To delay your decision to exist the relationship will only cause you more pain in the future and the emotional wounds will be that much deeper.  The truth is that no amount of time or help will truly repair that damage that was done.  Yes with time and help the wounds become scabbed over but they will never fully disappear and have your innocence reappear. 

Reach out to someone that is strong and they will help you.  It will take more effort than anything you have done in the past to pull away from that relationship.  In my case. perhaps with time or fate we might be drawn together again, if we both are able to reach a place of being as healthy as we can be.
This same pattern may happen to you and you might rekindle as well.  The important part is to stand up for you and to not let a negative situation break you down anymore.  For me, even now in my quiet moments alone I will still cry as my scars slowly scab over.

The last year and a half  has taught me the value of myself and slowly once again my child like nature is coming out and being more confident.  It has taught me I am a kind and good person.  It has also allowed me to connect with other people that are experiencing this type of relationship as well.  It is very difficult for a man to talk about emotional abuse and even harder to find support groups that actually understand.  For those of you that don't physically know me, I am larger than the average build and height for a male.  I shouldn't have feelings of being truly scared of someone half my size but yet I was terrified. 

I still suffer from moments of anxiety if I think too long about my past.  Society doesn't allow for a "strong man" type to share feelings like these.  As support groups and funding for people like me are hard to find, my goal is to offer some of my support to someone else that might be needing it.  There were several times during the relationship I actually questioned my own sanity.  I questioned right to my core as a person and it had an impact on everything I did everyday.

It has been a long slow climb of my mountain and it has been difficult.  I sill have moments where I miss her very much as I felt she truly was my best friend.  Inside and out she was the most beautiful person I have known at that intimate level.  I also know in her way she truly cared for me as well.

I encourage you to start creating your environment that will enable you to be healthy and emotionally stable.  Know that you can do this and the pain will diminish, but never truly fully go away.  It is like recovering from an addiction and everyday you have to mentally focus on your outcome that is healthy for you.  You will also slip back and want to reunite, but that's ok too.  Just don't be too hard on yourself with a slip and allow that slip to ruin all the hard work you have put into your improvement.

It is love and hope I want all of you to feel when you read this chapter and help others that need your strength.  Or believe in yourself that you can overcome any barrier you might currently have in your life.