Sept 23/17
Have you ever asked yourself, am I a complete and a whole person? As you have aged have you filled your voids through your own growth? We are all born young and full of potential and with that potential there will be many holes in our being.
One of my most difficult journeys has been the filling of my holes. Most things in my life come easy to me in learning new skills and being able to apply these new skills. All except for one, that one is my ability to be able to stand the sound of my silence. Up until recently all my life I needed some kind of stimulation. I now realize this stimulation was used to put temporary band-aids over the holes in me.
The reference of asking myself if I am a complete being is something I avoided to do in my past. By the act of grabbing my band aids it would temporary provide me with a sense of the feeling of being complete. For me my biggest struggle was to always have a personal relationship at the cost of my emotional health. The fear of being alone was stronger than the fear of the future in an unhealthy relationship.
The reason I didn't want to be alone was I knew deep down I was needing to work on me to become a whole person. The hardest thing I have done in my life is to honestly look myself in the mirror and address my issues. By staying in a relationship that person was filling the holes in me and for a while I did feel complete. As with the passing of time eventually my holes would show through and end in another failure of a relationship, which was quickly followed by my more emotional pain.
That cycle of failure was repeated in me several times before I realized what was the root of the cause at these cycle enders. I noticed the harder I pretended I was ready and a full person, the quicker the cycles became. With the increase of frequency this came at a cost of my losing more of myself and the loss of my identity.
There is not a secret pill for you to recognize this patter and we are all different in our speed of growth. For me I finally just became wore out and stopped engaging in the creation to fill the holes in my life. After the stop occurred, it took me about a month to fully realize the meaning of this pause for me. I realized that I could not stand my silence so that is why I continued to engage in my own unhealthy and self sabotaging behavior.
With the behavior in my past I didn't see the pattern of my choices and the impact they were having on me. The feeling of not being a complete person did always remain yet I didn't have any solutions I could unitize to correct this feeling.
I encourage you to take your pause now if you can't stand your sound of silence. Even if you don't know how to create your strength to become whole, you will discover that once you enter your pause. With your pause you will be able to see the forest and the trees and with your clarity, your work can then start on you.
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