Oct 15/16
So I felt the need to write and create something today that has never been created before. (talk about a lofty and stretch goal) However I was not sure of what the topic would be.
As I was walking into a small store to pick up some water and a energy drink, I noticed a small piece of paper laying outside of the store. As I passed by I recognized this piece of paper as a fortune cookie insert. I walked past it and as I was paying, the thought came to me that I had to read it and that fortune was mean't for me to read it. With even more clarity it felt it would be waiting for me to pick it up and read it. As I picked it up, I was worried it might fall apart as it was sitting outside in the snow and rain. As I read it, I was overcome with different thoughts and emotions, ones of feelings of excitement combined with a sense of loss. The sense of loss I think has come from, I have been so used to being un-happy and I am in a struggle of finding my balance. Even though now I am in a happy place, the new normal for me, it was a brief moment of recognizing a past experience in me. It could be compared to somewhat bitter sweet, knowing how much growth I have received and for a brief moment almost sad of the person I used to be. Perhaps a good comparison would be the habit of smoking and knowing it is bad for ones health. As the habit had stopped, still looking back feeling the need for one more smoke - even though knowing that even one is bad for you. The over all quest of people looking for something or someone to fill that void - thinking that maybe one more time and that elusive feeling of being complete will arrive. It would be so comfortable and you know what to expect, its easy to go back into the past pattern of behavior.
What is tougher is staring into the great abyss of the unknown, the start of a new journey or a quest, and to take the first step. As with each passing step it will take you closer to your new experience yet as you go forward, your one step further away from what you know. Picture a almost invisible energy like line tied to you - at the beginning of your journey it is pulling you back a little harder than towards the end of your line that is tied to the completion of your journey. Roughly when your at the half way mark of your journey you will feel a shift of that invisible line providing you energy and start to get easier to complete your journey, as this energy shift is propelling you to the end of your quest.
So it has occurred to me to share what I read from that fortune cookie - "Your greatest wish - you will receive this month" So questions came up - What does that mean? Does it mean something or mean nothing? Was it a clue to my future or was it a clue to my past? The universe telling me to let things be? Or does it simply mean nothing?
So now I am thinking the secret in life and true happiness is to be able to recognize what this gift might be in a month from now and to not come up with ideas of what I think this gift is. The importance of not looking for something I feel the gift should be as if I do that the true gift might sail right by me as I will not be able to recognize it. As the month will go by so quickly and if I do not receive what I think I should have received - it might be possible to start a spiral of self-doubt combined with lower energy level might become a reality. Words or things like blame, resentment, unhappiness may perhaps come into play now.
Like the marathon runner - do not give up with your journey of allowing yourself to be great and being able to experience great things in your life. You are allowed to be happy everyday and experience great things in all that life has to offer. In my past I would feel that when something amazing comes my way I would struggle to accept it. When I would do that - I put out to the universe I am not able to handle the great things that come my way and not have them in my life. When that thought would happen soon the goodness would go away and I would be left with the emptiness and wishing I could have back what I felt I had lost. During these times not realizing it was me creating that reality of not having the greatness in my life. It sometimes felt like my life was a page out of a Shakespearean tragedy and the pattern kept repeating.....Which resulted in me becoming more confused and not understanding why I was not receiving the greatness I felt should be coming my way.
My greatest wish was a simple as reading that fortune cookie and the thoughts it provided me, which I am truly grateful. Key take aways are the importance of staying in the moment, while yet looking briefly to your past, to select your tools of past experience to use them to build towards your perfect future.
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