Aug 25/17
Have you ever or do you find yourself in a state of running? Running away from the true person inside of you? Being someone that is trying to fit in and the more you do that, the more you run away from who you are.
The movie Forrest Gump comes to my mind where Forrest starts to run and run until finally he stopped. He turned around and faced his struggles from his past. I would like to share of how I finally stopped running. For me it has been a slow process that is taken me about 2 years and I suspect it will still continue. What I mean by that is I will still continue to do some running as this is a character flaw of mine. However now that I know that about myself, I will be able to stop the running quicker then before when moments of transitions begin. For years I kept running and only in the last few years I have realized I need to stop, turn around and go through my struggles.
For me I noticed I would stop running in the two years of growth but when faced with a change, I would turn and run as I was fearful of what the new transition of change would bring. In this journey of growth my desire to create and share with others was starting to provide results. Then all of a sudden my safety net of my day job was taken away and the run started anew for me once again.
It felt like this new path was right for me, yet I was uncomfortable and scared of where this path was going to take me. I realized now what I did was to start running emotionally and not deal with the change of transition. I did this by doing lots of traveling and over indulgence of conversations, food and drink. This was a valuable time with the time I spent with others, especially my family, however it came with a cost of my emotional health.
As time went on I noticed my once positive outlook was starting to change to one that was now more negative. Feelings of abandonment, resentment, frustration and a lower sense of self-worth started to set anchor in my thoughts. From these thoughts it then started to impact my desire to create and started to think about abandoning all my physical improvements I have made over the last 3 years.
Several times when morning came I chose to not get up and do my normal 2 mile run routine. I chose not to create and try to share as the anchors of negativity set themselves deeper in my being. I recognized the pattern that was starting to emerge, I saw of what I worked so hard for over a long time starting to disappear as I continued to run emotionally.
Then one day I went to a river, sat down on a rock and cried. In that moment I stopped running and turned around to face my fears. I faced all the pain that I had pushed down inside of me and felt remorse of the pain I have created in others, due to this behavior flaw in me. So from that moment I set out to restart my continued journey of growth and took out the anchors of negative thought.
I know I have a long journey and I will never fully arrive at a place where I have learned everything. However as I pause, I know it is much better now to be back on my positive mindset of exploring and growing.
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